RELATION-TRIPS PART I

RELATION-TRIPS:

Unspoken Truths From Men About Women

Greatest line about male/female relationships in a recent movie is from the Vaughn/Anniston movie, "The Break-Up."

He: "Alright, I'll do the dishes "

She: "I don't want you to do the dishes -- I want you to want to do the dishes."

The woman's underlying logic being: I can't understand for the life of me why you wouldn't be happy to do them for me.

For men this is a real head shaker. Yet it is typical of the situation that women place men in: They want us to be honest, but they force us to lie. So you can either pretend to want to do the dishes. Or be honest and say, "Anyone who wants to do dishes, who is not saving money for a working visa, should be under observation."

Women fail to see the lack of logic in this. They are also in a constant battle for control with men. Yes, one basic truth is that men are about power -- women are about control. The difference? Power seekers want you to do the dishes and don't care if you want to or not. Control freaks demand that you not only do them -- but like it.

Another great line (in a movie which had nothing to do with relationship issues) was in a movie (the title escapes me) starring Tom Cruise as an idealistic Navy JAG (attorney) cross-examining a tough, crude leatherneck Jack Nicholson and demanding he tell the truth. Nicholson famously replies: "You couldn't handle the truth!"

You've all heard women say it: "Just tell me the truth, I can handle it."

Well, here are the "Top Ten" basic, common truths that men could say if pressed:

"Yes, that outfit makes you look big as a house -- don't you have a mirror?"

"No, my friend who I introduced you to at the club isn't gay -- he just didn't find you attractive."

"If I were really into you don't you think I would have committed by now? I mean have you met even one friend of mine?"

"If you were prettier, I would take you out more."

"Why am I calling you? Because I'm broke, drunk and horny and you're the only woman gullible enough to let me come over at 2:00 in the morning."

"Look, you have great orgasms with me -- what more do you want? Do you see me asking you for anything?"

"Men usually ejaculate during sex -- but we rarely have orgasms."

"If I were a woman there are two things I would never be: broke or horny."

"The best thing you can say about a thin woman is: 'She'd be okay if she had tits.'"

"When you meet with your girlfriends to discuss how badly your relationship is going, well, they just live for that."

There's another which requires some explaining.

I was seeing a woman years ago (yes while in a relationship) who eagerly made herself available whenever I was free (hey, it was the 70s.) Nice woman, but in no way one who I would be in a might-marry-one-day-committed relationship. My main traveled a lot (yeah she may have had a numero two also -- hey it was the 70s!) so I called her. After a night of steamy sex she asked me when my girlfriend was coming back. I told her the day after tomorrow. She said to me "I wish she'd stay out of town for a year!" She failed to understand -- until I told her point-blank -- that "Even if she got hit by a bus or swallowed up by a volcano, our relationship wouldn't change. " She actually registered shock on her face. "Why?" she asked.

I explained it to her like this. "Its like college basketball. You may be a great team in Divison 1AA -- ranked in the top ten even. That means you play teams like Hofstra, Fordham, Fayetteville State, and a host of mostly smaller private schools, ivy leagues, and city and state schools. But barring a fluke (like Hofstra had a few years ago) you will never play against the likes of Syracuse, UCLA, Duke, Boston College, etc. They are Division 1 schools. You might be number one in 1-AA but couldn't even crack the top 25 in Division 1.

So Number 11 is: "Ladies know your division!"